Civilian Life in a Military Town and Other Such Issues

I'm no longer married to the military.  I haven't been since May of 2009.  I'm a civilian. 
Actually let me rephrase that.  I've ALWAYS been a civilian, but when you're a civilian married to a soldier you're in a different class.  You've got military affiliation, just not the rank and almost no pull - and although sometimes it's hard for some spouses to figure out, it's true: your soldier is Government property, not you, so he/she gets the rank...not you.  Period.  But this particular blog entry isn't about spouses wearing rank (you're welcome) it's more about where my husband and I now fit, or don't, here in Killeen, Texas, home of the world's largest military instillation.   
You see, I've known for a long time that the military was a different world than the rest.  The very first time in my life that I moved was to Schofield Barracks, Hawaii when I was 18.  I had been married for 7 months and had a 3 month old son.  I was literally living in paradise after growing up in San Antonio, Texas.  I had lived in the same house since I was born and my first move was to Hawaii...I didn't see a negative side.  People asked me all the time about "culture shock" and I just didn't get it.  The only thing that I saw that was different than Texas was that there was always a bunch of shoes outside of everyone's front doors because it's customary to take them off before you enter a house. (Oh, and that instead of signs printed in English and Spanish, they were in English and Japanese.)  That I could live with.  It wasn't exactly a deal breaker.  After living in Hawaii for almost 2 years my husband and I divorced.  And since you can't stay in military housing if you're not married - because believe me, I would have stayed in Hawaii if I could have, my (now) 2 kids and I were shipped back to San Antonio, Texas on the Army's dime.  THIS was when the "culture shock" took place. 
For the last 2 years I knew who my neighbors were.  We hung out on my porch swing, had dinner together, celebrated holidays together, babysat each others' kids without thought of payment or favors, helped each other with yard work, took walks, went out, and shopped together.  We were a family to each other because our biological families were so far away.  And this didn't happen because it's written in some Army pamphlet that spouses get - there's no such pamphlet - it happened because the Army (and I'm going to assume all other branches of the military as well) is a tightly knit community.  We all have something in common.  Our husbands go into the field for days and weeks at a time which means that we're left at home to run the house.  Our husbands deploy for months (or a year) at a time, which means we are left to be geographically single mothers for as long as they're gone.  Why wouldn't you want to reach out and support someone who is going through the same thing you've gone through or are going through yourself?  It's a way of survival - it's how military spouses are able to do what they do.  It sucks to be alone in any difficult situation, and that's why the Army community is so important.  Now, being back in Texas, that was gone instantly.  I was now on my own.  Sure I had my parents down the street, but they made it very clear that they were not my babysitters.  I didn't really know my neighbors, and we definitely didn't eat meals together.  If I needed a babysitter, it was going to cost - BIG.  Yard work?  That was all on me now.  Shopping buddies?  Now my 2 year old son and 6 month old daughter.  I was hurled back into non-military affiliated civilian life and I didn't like it one bit. 
Fast forward to now.  My husband is medically retired.  (I have to say "medically" otherwise you'd think I was married to a 40 year old and such is not the case.) We get military benefits like use of the commissary, PX, medical insurance, etc. just without a unit "home."  I don't mind this so much because it means no deployments, no FRG drama, and no hours and hours on end of "hurry up and wait", but what it also means is that my community is gone once again. 
I am still connected with a friend/military wife whom I've known since 2006.  I see her about twice a month, and she knows that I understand what she's going through with her husband being deployed...but she's about to move to Korea.  She's been a great friend, a listening ear, an awesome babysitter to Reagan (because let me tell you, only a true friend would watch your toddler for 5 days so you could go on a getaway vacation with your hubby - and not be paid for it), and one of my very last ties to the old 1-12 unit at Ft Hood.  Her absence will sadden me not only because I'll not get to see her in person for a long while, but because I feel like my tie to "the community" will be gone. 
This is where I feel like my identity is in some sort of gray area.  We're not active duty so we don't really fit in with all the folks our age that come in and out of Ft Hood every few years, and hubby's retired, but we don't really fit in with the crowd that's hanging out at the local VFW...we've got a couple decades before that.  And someone reading this might think, "well, find some other parents with kids in the same age range as yours."  Here's where another issue of mine pops up.  My kids are 11, 9, 3, and 21 months.  I'll do the math for you - this means that there's an age gap of 9+ years between my oldest and youngest.  When I find someone with kids the same age as my youngest, they're usually younger than me - which I have no problem with - but then that leaves my older ones out of the loop and usually bored to death.  When I find people with kids the same age as my older ones, they're usually older than me (which again, age isn't the issue) and usually in all-around different places in their lives/careers.  We've got almost nothing in common.  "Oh what do you do?  [Teacher?  Principal?  Army Captain? Realtor?]  Cool.  Oh, what do we do?  My husband's a waiter and I clean houses part time...*annnnd I just lost you*"   
Honestly, and I am really opening myself up here, this leaves me feeling terribly inadequate as a wife/mother/woman.  I haven't even touched on the issue of having a son who's at a slightly different side of the spectrum as most kids his age, which makes it difficult for him to make friends.  Luckily he hasn't noticed it yet...but my heart absolutely hurts enough for him already.  I've tried to reach out to other parents of kids/boys his age, but once again, I'm thinking the lack of commonality comes into play and they're just not interested.  
I just don't know what to do anymore because it's exhausting trying to fit into a group where you feel like you just don't belong.